Little Things I Never Want to Forget

- He collected Pez dispensers

- He fell asleep during nearly every movie

- He detested tv but oddly loved Malcom in the Middle

- He had, at any given time, no less than five library cards

- He washed his car every Saturday, rain or shine

- He built his own device for measuring the depth of our lake and then mapped every inch of it, just because he could

- He loved to play poker, but only ever for pennies or pretzels

- He had the same cowlicks as me (crown of the head and middle of the forehead to the right)

- He could still read Spanish, but couldn’t speak it anymore

- He felt as strongly about the Oxford comma as I do

- He could not, not matter how hard he tried, ever master chopsticks

- He loved St. Pauli Girl beer 

- He staunchly refused to buy hockey skates and wore the same pair of figure skates (the only man on our lake to do so) made of soft black leather for my whole life. He taught me all of the skating tricks I know and carved intricate mazes in the snow for me to test my speed and dexterity. I never was able to master skating backwards, but he still kept trying to patiently teach me.

- He asked my kingergarten teacher to teach me algebra

- He read me to sleep every night until I was fifteen

- He held my hand for every street I crossed until he died when I was eighteen

- He firmly ignored crosswalk lights

- He bought jalepeno stuffed olives in bulk and ate them for breakfast

- He made his own bread and taught me how

- He chaperoned almost every field trip I ever went on
- He sang his own version of "We Three Kings" (off key, loudly) every Christmas Eve at church

It's Father's Day Again

I look awful in this photo, so I don’t share it a lot. I have it framed, but I don’t often show people. I really should start. It was maybe two degrees out that day and bitingly windy. I had just come off the ice from playing hockey and my eye makeup was running, but I was so happy. This is what my real smile looks like, and it’s not very pretty but it’s honest. I was 18, and Daddy had just turned 56. He would be dead about six months later.

There aren’t as many pictures of Daddy and I together as I would like, mostly because he was usually the one behind the camera. I have lots of pictures of me, and lots of pictures of him that I took, and a good number of full family shots, but just a small collection of images of the two of us over the years.

Every day when I look in the mirror I’m reminded that I inherited his face, and hair, and skin, and weird knobby knees. I took on his propensity for computer programming, forests, kayaking, reading, socialism, damaged people, and introversion as well. But I desperately wish that I could have somehow picked up just an ounce of his seemingly boundless optimism in the short amount of time I got to share with him, and I feel like I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to be even a quarter as good as he was.

Every day I wish I could see his smile one more time, every day I wish I could show him my computer projects, or ask him what airplane is flying over head, or go walk in the woods with him. Every day I wish I could sing for him. Every day I wish I could tell him I love him, or tell him what I learned, or talk about politics with him.

Eighteen years wasn’t enough. It could never be enough. I don’t know how I’m going to live the rest of my life without him and have to deal with seeing his face in the mirror every single morning for the rest of my life and know that he will never be here again no matter how badly I want it.

If you still talk to you dad, please, for me, hug them and tell you them you love them and talk to them and ask them about their lives because I can’t anymore.

I Never Thought

I never thought I would be getting divorced after six months of marriage.

But then, I never thought I would ever actually get married in the first place. I never thought I'd be good enough for someone to want to marry me, or smart enough, or pretty enough. I never thought that I could be a worthwhile, or even enjoyable companion for someone else.

Somewhere along the way I was taught that I am a burden, and I know that's not true. I'm not claiming to be a sparkling conversationalist or an arbiter of good taste (there's too much weird Japanese hair metal on my iPod for that),  but neither am I the monster I've built myself up to be in my own head.

In a talk General Conference talk, Elder Russel M. Nelson said,

Feelings of worth come when a woman follows the example of the Master. Her sense of infinite worth comes from her own Christlike yearning to reach out with love, as He does.

One of the only things that has helped preserve my sense of self and the idea that I'm worth more and deserve better than I was getting in my short marriage is my faith in my Savior's plan for me. I've promised that I will go where He leads me, step by step, until one day I can appreciate my own worth. All I can do is try to reach out to others with love and kindness, and hopefully one day I will be able to reflect that kindness to myself.

If you ever doubt your own worth, or are in a situation where others are telling you that you are worth less for any reason, please know that you are loved. You are worthy. You have an eternal destiny. But you need to be able to see it and recognize it, even just a little bit, before you can move on to something better and brighter.

Resilience

One month ago today I snuck out of my marriage with only my license, car keys, debit cards hidden in my bra, and a water bottle, careful not to wake up my abusive husband as he slept. I chose my own personal safety and self respect over an “easy” life of pretending things were okay and letting him convince me that abuse was love.

This has been an immensely hard month. Some days I forget and I’m so, so happy, but other days I feel like there’s not any point in trying anymore.

But if the past 30 days haven’t killed me, then I think I’ll be okay for at least the next thirty days, and the thirty days after that, until one day none of this will hurt anymore.

Gratitude

You may have noticed I've rearranged my blog a bit- some posts that I've written in the past are no longer available. Don't worry, they're still there, but they're hidden at the moment because they're just too painful to read right now.

I've had a big upheaval in my life recently. I don't want to write about the details tonight; I'm not sure I'll even want to write about the details a month, or six months, or a year from now. Frankly, I'm tired of telling my story to law enforcement, therapists, lawyers, and what seems to be, at this point, at least 87% of the population of southeastern Idaho. What I really want is for this all to pass as quickly as possible, inflicting the least amount of damage on my heart and soul, and to move on.

Realistically however, I know that this is a trial and that it is necessary (though in no way pleasant) for me to go through it. And I am trying to spend as little of my time as as I can being angry, or despondent, or scared, or just plain numb, and trying to focus instead on what I'm grateful for. That has been one of the best coping strategies I could have possibly discovered (I've unfortunately done this massive-life-change/grief thing before and didn't cope as healthily last time around), and I'm going to stick with it.

So, without further ado:

Things I Am Grateful For:

• Getting out safely
• Getting out now, and not five years from now
• Knowing I have amazing friends who support and love me, and reaffirm that I wasn't weak for choosing a husband who did that to me- that I was strong for saying no and leaving
• Family that has been on call, despite the distance and time difference, whenever I needed them
• My closest friends who dropped everything to move me out, with only a few minutes notice
• The friends who have given me a safe place to stay while I sort things out
• My job, which I love. It's amazing how calming it can be to make copies, or do some bookkeeping, when the rest of your life is so chaotic.
• The university, who have bent over backwards to help me in any possible way
• My ecclesiastical leaders, who have comforted me so much
• Driving with the windows down in my car on the way home from work, when it's just cold enough out to make me shiver. This makes me so happy and lets me forget everything for a little while.
• My unshakeable faith in Jesus Christ. These events have challenged a lot of my assumptions about how my life would be, and whenever I start to feel uncertain about my purpose in life or my future I know I can read my scriptures or pray and get the answers I long for.

I still have to remind myself that things will get better with time, and that it is not my duty to judge or punish others for their deeds. It takes a lot to learn how to let things go, but I'm willing to try.